If My Alarm Clock Could Talk…It Would Say I’m an Asshole

The time is 5:58 a.m. The next two minutes are the most exciting and terrible part of my day.


The time is 5:58 a.m. The next two minutes are the most exciting and terrible part of my day. In the following moments, my very existence will be tested by how well I am able to perform. There is no going back. There is only what happens in the next two minutes.

Despite the redundancy of my life, I find myself reacting to the time 5:58 a.m. the same way I have since I was first appointed to my position. You see, I’m only really ever useful but once in each day. Granted, you’ll cast glances in my direction every now and again; checking to make sure that I am still working and performing to standard. But 5:58 a.m.…that’s when it really counts.

I’ve been doing this for what seems like a lifetime. Over the years, I have become, if I do say so myself, the best at what I do. There is no other that can do what I do, as well as I do. Some try. There are others in my line of work of course, but none can even come close to my abilities and skill. After all, you, my boss, require the very best. That is obviously why you chose me over all the others. That is why you have not chosen to replace me with the newer, sleeker, but ultimately dim newbie, Siri. Isn’t it? Isn’t it?

No matter. Of course it is. Because I take my job very seriously. My minute of glory is of the utmost importance. I cannot be caught slacking when my time comes. You only need me for this one thing, at this very specific time, but it is a very crucial event. A do-or-die moment that if screwed up could cause unparalleled disaster.

It is now 5:59 a.m! The time is drawing nearer. I cannot mess this up! I think to myself. I attempt to take deep, relaxing breaths. There are only 30 seconds left until my big moment. I think today might finally be the day. I can feel my excitement level rising.

Yes, I tell myself, today is the day. Today you will finally appreciate my presence, perhaps even be happy to see my face. I know that every other day, you look at me, red-eyed and groggy…your expression often shifting slowly from confusion to an intense anger I do not quite understand.
But not today.

I look out the window, the sun is bright as it climbs out from behind the mountains. Its glorious shine and brilliant light gives me hope as the 15 second mark passes by.

Today is the day.

I am warmed by the sun as I imagine how you will greet me with appreciation, grateful to hear my voice calling you, see my face, and know that I have once again accomplished what I have been set out to do for you, every morning.

Five seconds to go.

The excitement is almost unbearable. The “moment,” my moment, is almost here…


I am nearly bursting as I try to wait for the exact moment…

One! It’s 6 a.m.!

“Wake. Up! Wake. Up! Wake. Up! Wake. Up!” I chant, enthusiastically. “Its. Time. To. Get. Up!” I say quickly. “Wake. Up! Wake. Up! Wake. Up! Wake. Up!” I repeat, loudly.

Just moments into my morning melody, I watch you begin to stir.

It’s working!

Oh hurray! Only 10 seconds this time! A new record, I think excitedly.

“Wake. Up! Wake. Up! Wake. Up! Wake. Up!” I say again, keeping perfect time.

Your eyes begin to open and…and…ah…ah… yes! There you are! Our faces see each other clearly now!

Here it comes! … Here we go…your hand is reaching out towards me.

I can barely contain my glee at having done such a fine job. Surely today will be the day that you finally recognize all of my hard work?

“Its. Time. To. Get. Up!” I repeat.

I am ever-so-hopeful as your fingers pull me to face you head on.

“Wake. Up! Wake. Up! Wake. Up! Wake. Up!” I say, less enthusiastically, but still keeping time.

But then I see it.

That transitioning expression, I have seen it a hundred times…

You grimace at the sight of me. Your fingers tighten their grip, and suddenly I am lifted up from my post. Disappointed, I realize that despite my efforts I have still not earned your affection.

Lifting me higher, you growl angrily at me, mumbling words like, stupid, useless, and annoying. As I am forced closer to you, you appear repulsed at the sight of me.

How does this keep happening? I am only doing what you have asked of me!” I silently plead. But you ignore me, my words go unheard, and my objections are unresolved.

I feel my body becoming almost weightless as you finally release me from your death grip and cruel glare. I am flung towards the floor to your left.
My landing is hard. I hit the floor with a loud, “Clank!” before being propelled back into the air from the resulting force, this time I hit a book shelf, which then sends me hurdling towards the wall.


I have hit the wall and I fall back down to the floor. Here I lie, face down. Defeated, yet again.

I have done everything that you have ever asked for, and yet still you cannot even bear the sight of me, nor listen to what I have to say.

My moment is over. It is now 6:02 a.m. I have failed you. You have fallen back asleep. You won’t have time to shower now as you had planned last night. This will of course frustrate you even more. I am certain that you will, of course, blame me.

There is a 75 percent chance that you will not even remember what happened between us at all. You’ll simply think that I have quit or fallen ill…but you can’t possibly think that! Not with my now broken body lying helplessly on the floor?!

Who am I kidding? Of course you can. Of course you will! You’ll say I must have fallen accidentally. That my broken and battered parts were just an accident. You would never mean to hurt me.

Lies! The truth is that you have become abusive and angry ever since you started taking on more hours. The realization is sinking in. Our relationship is no longer reparable. I have tried everything I could possibly do for you, and it is never enough!

You ask me to do one thing, then punish me for doing it! I have a terrible, thankless job. I wish I could have chosen differently. You have made me regret ever having been selected by you, that day so long ago.

You are an ungrateful asshole!” I silently shout to no one that can hear me.
Go ahead, start using that overqualified bimbo of a smart phone as your alarm from now on! See if I care!

One day. One day I hope that you will come to feel what it is like to be the little guy! One day when that piece of overpriced plastic cannot perform to my standards…then, then you’ll see!

One day…maybe tomorrow.