And a Sausage on the Side, Please

Illustration by Adam Valenzuela.

I honestly hate people who find love as often as they change their underwear.

All the relationship status updates on Facebook taunt me as I scroll through in disdain for the casualness of it all.

Or maybe I’m just jaded as fuck because with my luck, I get “Rick” with the big dicks and deep wallets.

“What’s the problem then,” you ask?

I am that one hopeless romantic who gets to live those crazy rom-com movie fantasy. I get courted in that type of way, go on a lengthy string of dates with “Rick” to eventually find out that I am…

The side bitch or in my case…

The side sausage.

I am one leaked sex tape and a bleached asshole away from being his ACTUAL boyfriend. I swear the universe conspires against me to find true love.

But if I’m being punished for the inorganic piece of GMO, caged raised, red juicy steak I ate the other day at Red Lobster.

I’M SORRY, Universe if I swiped right “YES” too many times on Tinder just to selfishly see who’s into me.

I’M SORRY, Universe.

Maybe this is some freaky way life is trying to tell me to:


I know I will feel better about myself and lighter (in weight and my wallet).

But the reality is, Rick is a dick, who thinks with his stick, and gets a kick from being slick.

Just think about all the torture I go through mentally — do I continue on with this type of relationship? Am I guilty if I continue the relationship, knowing I’m the side sausage? How do I respond to this classified information that was told to me on my private server? But really though, do I give up free dinners and movies?

All those nights of tormented ugly crying-mascara-dripping tears and the buckets of rocky road of ice cream.

It’s just all so…pathetic.

However, the real point of this story is that I recently ran into one of those guys mentioned above at my work place. We’ll call him “Nick” with the heavy dick. I met him years ago at a Korean spa.

I went to my usual one in Koreatown of Los Angeles to get pampered. This time, I courted a handsome and high-ranking socialite in the entertainment industry. “Nick” was 32, a top film critic for an entertainment trade magazine, and Texan. We chatted, only because I caught him trying to take a peek at my cookies in my shorty robe, whilst lying down. He complimented me on my big smile and sultry voice but soon rushed out to leave for a party.

I know to some people, I have a certain charm, and I had an inkling he liked me enough…possibly enough to write poetry about me!

And guess what? I found a poem about me in “Missed Connections” on the classy world of Craigslist. Mind you, this does not come as a surprise to me since I have had multiple people write poetry in missed connections ads about me.

Embarrassing facts of my life but flattering I suppose.

I went on my laptop and searched for adjectives describing someone like me. “M4M” “Asian” “amazing smile” “braces” bingo! Found it!

I shot an email back knowing damn well who was behind the post.

Emails and emails, coffees and dinners, Sundance and Cannes film festival, The Vow and Bruno premiere, SXSW, and many other adventures all came to a halt one night when I finally talked to him after a week of dodging. A needed breather of some sort, or he was busy. Maybe it was getting too passionate.

But when he texted me: “Hey you! How are you? I missed you. I have the 21 Jump Street premiere this Thursday, wanna come? But before you answer, I have to tell you something…”

There it was the big “but.” We all know what the BUT means. I stopped reading after seeing the big BUT…

Boner shrinker…

I dropped my phone onto my zebra Snuggie. Trembling and sweating, I couldn’t read beyond the “but.”

Juicy story, right?

He writes: “I have been feeling so filled with guilt. I just didn’t know how to tell you. I really enjoy our time but, I have a boyfriend.”

I was DISGUSTED. Disenfranchised. Discombobulated. Dis — whatever other dis- prefixes fits! Ugh! I couldn’t believe my luck — -again — but actually I could considering my track record since 2007.

If anyone ever said they never learned anything from Sex And The City, here’s something to note: take the money and run because these motherfuckers don’t deserve your love.

I replied: “Someone my age should not be lecturing someone your age about the importance of being upfront and honest. I feel bad for your boyfriend, but I will still go with you to the 21 Jump Street’s premiere!”

I fall in love like it’s the first time every time I get into a new adventure. New lover, new love, and new story. Why not keep falling in love? That’s the excitement, right? But I will NOT settle for second best.

I honestly believe I was born to be an actor /producer/screenwriter who will create an award winning telenovela series documenting all of my past relationships.

The show will be titled: La Otra Puta. (The Other Bitch.)

Airing on PBS in Spring 2017. Check your local provider for TV listings.