Realizing I liked Girls Exposed Me To More Than Just Sex.

Understanding and exploring more about who I truly am


I remember all too well that day back in my freshman year of high school. For some reason my class had been split into groups based on our gender. Us girls went outside to discuss whatever the assignment was; of course we didn’t. Instead we had been talking about the upcoming homecoming and who we thought was going to win homecoming queen. Several people had put their name in the hat but there was one girl who stood out — A senior girl, Marissa, was one of the only outwardly gay and masculine — presenting girls at our school at the time. However, she seemed to have the popular vote for queen.

The girls were talking about how Marissa would probably win because she was the first ever lesbian homecoming queen at our school, it was mentioned that her attractiveness would help as well. These comments quickly turned into a roundtable of who thought she was attractive and who didn’t — most girls believed she was. Not even thinking about it, I mentioned that I’d date her given the chance. This was a step too far apparently.

I won’t ever forget the confused faces of my classmates.

“What do you mean? Like…you’d kiss her?”

Duh. Didn’t we all just agree she was attractive?

My answer became the new topic of discussion. Questions about my sexuality, their sexuality and their willingness to kiss a girl or not, etc.

The group’s general consensus was that even though they thought Melissa was attractive, they weren’t attracted to her in a sexual way. I was the odd man out. They weren’t cruel, nor did they show any signs of disdain or disgust towards me. They just accepted that piece of information about me and simply moved on but left me questioning myself.

This was the first time I actively thought about being sexually attracted to girls.

Before I never really put much thought into it. I simply had crushes on whoever and didn’t think twice about whether others thought like that or about identifying myself.

“I don’t even think I fully realized that I was attracted to girls until that discussion.”

From that point on, I sought out more information regarding LGBTA+. I joined the school’s GSA club partly because Marissa was the president, but also to learn and explore more about myself.

After a few meetings I found that I most identified with bisexuality. I didn’t have a preference for one gender or the other; I liked who I liked.

Now whenever I recall my “gay awakening”, I can’t help but laugh. I accidentally outed myself before I even realized I was in the closet. But I think maybe it was better that way; I had no shame or embarrassment. I’ve just always accepted myself and expected others to do the same.

Learning about bisexuality has only opened doors for more self-discovery. I learned a lot about myself in regards to what I’m attracted to, sexual preferences, my masculine and feminine sides as well as my dominant and submissive traits.

There’s a big diabolical thing in the community of what bisexuality is or isn’t limited to. For me, it’s always meant that I’m attracted to all genders, not just cisgender men or women. Sure, I have some preferences or “types”, but I’m open to anyone who can give me butterflies.

These preferences can and do make their way into my personality and sexual expression. In general I adapt to each person, environment and situation; sometimes I’m pursuing and sometimes I enjoy being pursued.

I ’m a bit of a switch, what can I say?

However, I am most comfortable in a more “hetero-normative” power dynamic where I’m more submissive and feminine in relation to a dominant masculine man. But this doesn’t mean I’m straight!

On several occasions I’ve had people disregard my sexuality based on who I was dating at the time. When dating a woman, I was referred to as gay or a lesbian. When dating a man, people would question whether my attraction towards women was false or not.

Coming into the LGBTQA+ community isn’t all fun and rainbows when your sexuality is often questioned and oversexualized. Biphobia is very common in and outside the community.

When identifying oneself as bisexual there’s the repeated follow up questions from others regarding validity, sexual experience and preference. People often brush the term bisexual off as “experimenting” or “discovering yourself”. The question of whether or not you’ve actually been with the opposite gender, arises regularly. “How would you know if you haven’t tried?”

There’s also a stigma that bisexuals are inherently more sexual people, down for whatever, and want to have threesomes. This was the straight boy’s main interest in high school but I’ve also faced this in adulthood. Bisexuality seems to paint a giant target on one’s head that reads “sexualize me!”

These bombardments are something bisexuals have to face all the time, which only creates confusion and shame in individuals.

Bisexuality’s hardships are often erased because it’s seemingly more accepted in society. But for that very reason, bisexual people face very specific challenges that usually go unacknowledged by the community.

This is why I will always be proud to express my sexuality and willing to educate those who are uninformed or misinformed.

I love being the B in LGBTA+ community and if you are too, take one message from this: You can love anyone and everyone, who the fuck cares what others think!