Well, everything changed the day my mom caught me grinding against my pillow. She gave me an angry lecture about how God doesn’t like it when we do things like that (she referred to it as “the bad thing”) and if I ever did it again, my crotch would go on fire. Literally. It’d just go up in flames. As a result, for the longest time it scared me to know that one day I’d burn to death because of my horniness.

I’m 20 now, and my crotch has been fire-free since that day. I’ve learned more about my body since then, however my mother still holds the same morals that masturbation is a sin (although she’s a little more open-minded now). Since living with her, I’ve managed to sneak my habits every way I could, and I have basically become the McGyver of masturbation. Which is why I’ve decided to share my secrets, stories, and tips that helped me become the masturbation aficionado I am today.

Keep in mind, I’m so open about this now and don’t really have a filter so it’ll get not safe for work at times. But you also clicked on a story with a giant vibrator on it so I’m not sure what you were expecting.

Me, Exploration, and Jesus

As I mentioned above, my mother is a very traditional conservative Filipino woman. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but we don’t often see eye to eye. However, one of things I could never argue with her about is the statue of baby Jesus hangs in my bedroom.

Now, I don’t mind baby Jesus. He’s cool. But when you’re trying to have some “me” time, he’s not so fun to have around. I remember specifically toward the end of my mother’s lecture on why pillows are meant for sleeping, she pointed at baby Jesus, looked at me dead in the eye and said, “He is always watching.”

I didn’t sleep for weeks. Instead of a vow of chastity, my mom had figured that the best way to get me to stop masturbating was to tell me about baby Jesus and making me well aware he was judging me.

I had lots of nightmares of baby Jesus that involved his eyes blinking at me when I stared too long. By that time, I’d managed to successfully avoid grinding against my pillow, but I was anxious, restless and so damn horny.

However, one day I spent the entire afternoon tossing and turning in my bed after finishing my homework. When I looked up, I realized if I laid in a certain angle on my bed baby Jesus’ eyes were no where within my sight, and I was
nowhere within his.

This was the moment everything changed.

The Internet is for Porn… and Other Things

Fast forward a few years later. I was 13 and obsessed with the internet. Baby Jesus still sat in my room and I still avoided his eyes constantly. My cousins introduced me to YouTube and I loved it so much I spent a lot of time sitting around watching videos all day. Of course, the day would come where I wound up finding porn.

Imagine the moment in films when the classical music starts playing when the character has a huge epiphany. That was how I felt as I witnessed what was in front of me. Something awakened inside of me, but also sort of terrified me.

The thing is, the porn I found wasn’t the vanilla stuff, but full-on “50 Shades” red room kinky. Somehow I was turned on, but also confused. But I would find myself running home from school and using the one hour between when I got home versus when my sister got home to go on our desktop and just watch.

During this time, my perception of sex was so distorted and I thought if I was ever going to have sex it would be like that. There was no preparation, no gentleness, no kindness — in fact the men in the videos did things that looked awful, no matter how much the girls or the guys in the behind-the-scenes videos said they enjoyed it. Sex looked scary if anything, and because I had no one to talk to about these things, I thought this was the way things were with all sexual encounters.

I also realized there were other methods to masturbate than just watching porn, and that a person has the ability to feel good by their own hands. During one of the days my mom dragged me to work, I curiously typed “masturbation tips” onto the Google incognito homepage on my laptop, slumped into a corner, dimmed the brightness on my monitor, and read through the results. I was nervous and excited since I’d assumed porn was the best way to get yourself off, but then realized there were a thousand and one methods that I’d never tried before that focused on me doing the leg work.

One night, after tossing and turning in my sleep, I decided to try the methods I’d looked up. It was uncomfortable and weird at first, but at the same time I felt a weird sense of satisfaction. I realized I didn’t need porn to get myself off. I didn’t need to involve anyone other than myself. It was one of the most liberating moments of my life knowing that my sexual happiness was, and always has been in my hands.

The Present: My Vibe and Me

As I said, I’m 20 now and my methods have changed drastically. While my mother is still as traditional as ever and baby Jesus and I still greet each other good morning, I’m less shameful of wanting “me” time. Everyone wants to feel good, and the benefits for making some time for myself has helped me with my stress, my anxiety, and figuring what I like for my future partners. My mom still doesn’t know a thing about my sex life, but I realized she doesn’t need to. As much as I respect my mom’s opinions, I don’t need that negative, shameful energy since my body is my body.

With that in mind, here’s a list of things I’ve learned since my beginning to now that you can keep to heart:

1. Schedule time to do it. I do have my “me” time on days I know my entire family is out. Sometimes it’s just an hour to myself, sometimes I have an entire night to make special. Either way, as much as the whole spur of the moment thing sounds hot, if you don’t schedule it you probably won’t have time to do it.

2. When you do have a little more time, make it special. Whether it’s small things like lighting a candle, putting on some nice smelling lotion, changing your sheets, or making yourself a sexy playlist — those little things do make a difference and it just emphasizes the fact this time is for you to focus and love yourself.

3. Use this time to study yourself. Your “me” time can help you figure out things you like so you can be ready when you do things with your partner to let them know what you like. When you’re with someone else, it’s pretty nerve-wrecking. What was supposed to be something pleasurable turns into you wanting it to be over with. That’s no fun, but if you know the direction you want your partner to go toward and what you like it makes the whole process a lot easier. Take this time to figure your sensitive spots, the places you know get you feeling a certain way. It’ll be a benefit to you and your partner when the time comes.

4. Experiment! It’s your time to get wild, since you’re alone whatever happens won’t end up on a hashtag or Reddit thread. If you’re looking to try something new, or you don’t have that many resources (like not being able to own a sex toy)— the cool thing about the internet is that it doesn’t only provide porn but also provides people’s stories who are in the same boat. There are so many blogs and forums of people asking for tips, and if something appeals to you (and is SAFE) go for it. I’ve tried anything from Mardi Gras beads to the back massager my dad got at a thrift store (all sanitized of course). Again, it’s another time to figure what doesn’t work for you and what does (Mardi Gras beads do not work, back massagers are a god send).

5. It’s called “me” time for a reason, it truly is your time. Whether you just want to take a minute or an entire evening, whether you want to try something new or stick to what you like, it’s all up to you. By the end of the day, the goal is for you to feel good and more comfortable with yourself.