Pin me to the bed, tie me up, slap my face, bite my back, then spank me until I cry. Then call me your favorite girl while pulling at the leash attached to the leather collar around my neck. For some people, this might be a nightmare. For me, it’s a dream come true. It’s BDSM.

In the kink community, these four letters are an immediate call to attention, and it’s definitely not for the faint of heart or the vanilla. It’s for the masters and their slaves. The good dogs and kittens. And all those other kinky freaks willing to get down and dirty with their inner demons for their dark desires. So, if the thought of trading your typical night of missionary and a movie with humiliation and a pair of handcuffs doesn’t make you shake with anticipation, I suggest you turn around and run very, very far away. However, if you’re willing to sit and stay, I’m here to give you the rundown on the infamous world of whips, chains, leather, latex, and torturous ecstasy.

Lesson #1: You Need to Be Taught a (History) Lesson

First thing’s first: you aren’t the first.

In fact, finding pleasure in pain can be traced all the way back to what’s known as the world’s first advanced civilization. In Mesopotamia, myths and rituals surrounding the goddess Inanna often involved men bowing in submission, bondage, and getting whipped into “sexual frenzies.” In ancient Greece, priestesses of a religious court oversaw the whipping of young men as part of their initiation. These same young men would also have whipping competitions, where the victor was whoever could take the most lashes. The Kama Sutra, one of the earliest texts involving eroticism and sexual wellness, includes a description of six places to strike your lover, four ways to strike them and a section on leaving love bites. It also goes over making sure that your acts of passion are completely consensual so that both parties find pleasure.

In Japan, prior to the introduction of metalwork, hojojitsu was used to bind criminals and prisoners in intricate, but aesthetically pleasing knots. This later evolved into the modern erotic rope bondage known as shibari. The words “sadism” and “masochism” come from Marquis De Sade and Leopold von Sacher-Masoch — two European authors who wrote about their sexually deviant interests during the 1800s. The 20th century is what gave BDSM the look and sound we know and lust for today; leather, latex, high heels and plenty of rope was popularized in the 1950s by John Willie’s photography.

Today, the internet has opened up more opportunities to join the kink community and connect with others just like you. There are forums and chat rooms for just about every fetish and fantasy on Earth. For those feeling a bit more open and adventurous, all it takes is a quick search to find a dungeon hosting an open party — don’t forget to do research on proper dungeon etiquette! It’s not always leather pants and collars, though. For those interested in getting into the BDSM community, but uncomfortable with being surrounded by all the tight leather, it might be nice to visit a munch, which is a casual meet-up for BDSM practitioners to trade stories and give advice, usually held at a restaurant or cafe.

Lesson #2: Learning your BD’s and SM’s

These four letters are actually a mash-up of three other acronyms: BD, DS, and SM.

However, for the sake of clarity, we will start with DS. This stands for Dominance and Submission. In every BDSM relationship or dynamic, there is a power play. At least one person plays the role of the Submissive/Sub, and at least one other plays the role of the Dominant/Dom. Take note that anyone could play either role and sometimes people switch — hence they’re known as Switches. In dynamics, role-play often plays a part. It sets the scene and gives players their kinky personas. Subs can take on a variety of roles from being a pet to a slave. Doms then take the commanding roles of masters or caretakers. During scenes, Subs is meant to surrender to their Doms and Doms take on the responsibility of caring for their Subs. As long as they behave, of course.

Next is BD, which stands for Bondage and Discipline. When people think of the term BDSM, what comes to mind is usually ropes, leather, and a riding crop. While these are indeed a few of my favorite things, there is a variety of items for different tastes. Don’t believe whatever you’ve seen in “Fifty Shades of Grey” — you can’t get BDSM supplies as simply as popping into your local Home Depot. It is important to get supplies that are either specifically made with BDSM in mind or come with a recommendation from a seasoned professional. For example, regular tape (duct or otherwise) sticks to any surface, could irritate skin and pull out hair. Bondage or fetish tape sticks solely to itself, lowering the risk of injury substantially. Safety is a hallmark in BDSM and inappropriate props could lead to a far higher risk for injury than what should actually be used. That being said, supplies should instead take the shape of BDSM ropes, handcuffs, bondage tape, ribbons, and maybe neckties. Regardless of what you choose, be sure to have a pair of scissors or another method of quick release close by.

From being spread-eagled to the bed to getting hogtied on the floor, the point of bondage is to restrict a Sub’s movement and can serve as physical proof of the loss of control. Sometimes this takes place at the start of a scene, and sometimes it’s the result of a Sub breaking the rules. This is where discipline comes in because an extra deviant sexual deviant simply won’t do. In almost any BDSM scene, rules and restrictions are just as important to the role-play as the players. Some partners choose temporary rules such as the Sub not being able to orgasm until given permission by their Dom. Others choose house rules that remain constant such as the Sub always referring to their Dom as “Master” or “Mistress” while no one else is around. Some Subs follow the rules very strictly and thrive off of praise and/or humiliation. Others choose to break rules and act “bratty” to receive attention and punishments. Punishments could be anything from being bound to getting spanked, or even, for more domestic couples, cleaning the kitchen. In the end, though, some players really live for the pain.

The most daunting aspect of BDSM for anyone is the thought of either giving or receiving pain for pleasure, also known as Sadomasochism or S&M. A wall of whips, paddles, crops, and canes could be a sadist’s dream and a masochist’s wet nightmare. In my opinion, though, from the quick strikes of a riding crop to the firm spank from a hand, beating butts is basic. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Hell, a flaming backside and a nice little massage between strikes sounds like a damn good time. There are other, often overlooked, means of satisfying one’s need to make your mark, though. In fact, BDSM really isn’t always extreme. A few ways to get a taste of BDSM in your usual risqué routine could be some hair pulling, playful biting, or the introduction of props (i.e. fuzzy handcuffs, nipple clamps, etc.). Even the simplicity of being a bit more rough than usual in your touch by gripping your partner’s hips or raking your nails down their back can add something a little extra “umph” to your “oh’s.”

Lesson #3: Stay Safe, Sane, and Consensual

The BDSM Creed, also known as SSC — we do love our acronyms. It’s an acronym to live by, and in a world that is built on pushing limits, it could actually save your life.

Well, most situations don’t even get close to being that extreme. However, it’s still important to know that in any situation, you have to play in a safe environment with a partner you can trust. This could mean anything from booking an appointment with a professional Dom in a kink dungeon to having your partner tied up in your bedroom after work. Either way, both people in the scene should be comfortable and responsible adults who know when it’s time to stop.

Behind the scenes, communication plays a huge role in what makes a scene work. That being said, it’s essential in any dynamic to establish limits. This goes a little farther than the oh-I’m-kind-of-into’s or the that’s-not-really-my-thing’s found in any other hook-up. Discussing limits could seem more like a negotiation instead, and sometimes includes the terms soft and hard. While this may sound like an easy euphemism, it’s actually an indicator of how much a player can handle. Soft limits refer to activities that a person might hesitate to participate in. An example of this might be a Sub telling their Dom that verbal humiliation is a soft limit. (Yeah, what a surprise, not all of us enjoy being called dirty, little, cum-hungry sluts.) In this situation, if the Sub chooses to allow their Dom to humiliate them verbally, they have to take it slow. It’s best to pause frequently to make sure the Sub is still comfortable.

Then there are hard limits. These are the activities you personally wouldn’t poke with a 69 and a half foot pole. There are extreme examples such as scat play or being beaten until blood is drawn. However, there are also simpler ones such as never using a belt during impact play, due to some past trauma. No matter the limit or the reason, hard limits are the kind of limits that should never be touched on or pushed. Some dynamics even choose to not set any limits. In these situations, though, the areas of consensual non-consent (Also known as, rape fantasy) and edgeplay (high-risk activities including asphyxiation and the use of weapons) are sometimes involved. Even some of the most experienced players out there prefer to avoid those if possible. An important note to make, though, is that even when there aren’t any limits set, all BDSM practitioners have to acknowledge the use of safewords.

A safeword is usually a word or phrase that won’t easily slip out such “Dogmeat” or “Denmark.” It lets one partner know when the other needs to stop and either take a break or end the activity altogether. This could also be traded for the color system (green — keep going, yellow — slow down, and red — stop). This particular system gives a Dom the chance to check on their Sub throughout a scene. For scenes that involve being gagged and/or bound, a code such as barking twice, or tapping one’s fingers three times could also work as a signal. No matter who says the safeword, it’s their partner’s responsibility to pull back and make sure everything’s okay, and not get upset at not being able to finish after their partner’s been pushed too far. We’re only human after all.

After more intense scenes, Subs might need some aftercare. This is a time in which the Dom cares for their Sub to pull them out of a submissive headspace (also known as subspace) and can take various forms. The Dom might feed their Sub and give them water. After being tied up, blankets or a massage provide great comfort. Even little things such as being held and praised can be enough to make a Sub feel safe and loved — an important aspect of BDSM dynamics.

When it comes to any dynamic, at a surface level, it may seem like the Dom has full control over their Sub. However, any experienced player knows that this is totally wrong. In reality, it’s the Sub that’s holding the reins — albeit, invisible ones. They get to say when the play ends, and they’re usually the ones to set the boundaries, even while they’re following their Dom’s rules and orders. Hearing a Dom say “I’m in control” and asking “are you afraid?” should be taken about as seriously as a child stating that they’re a fearsome dragon or fairy princess. Because, at the end of the day, it’s all just playing pretend for adults. Everything is in the moment, and nothing is truly meant to do harm. A Dom can’t hold power over a Sub without their permission, and fear is a temporary tool only meant for those who feel it’s synonymous with anticipation. Even if it seems like the exact opposite is occurring, a Dom should always respect a Sub. Consent is key, and it’s always important to remember who is being allowed to take control rather than who is giving up control. And if a Dom doesn’t know this, they should be either corrected or avoided.

I’m afraid time’s up and we’ll have to end this session here. Hopefully, this crash course in the basics of BDSM was satisfying enough for novices and experienced players alike. For those who were reading in the pursuit of pleasing their curiosity, I hope that what you take from this is that the world of BDSM isn’t as bad as the media often portrays it. It’s a world of playing a game of carnal desires when the real world is torturing you without the promise of a rewarding feeling. It’s a world of acceptance with BDSM practitioners and enthusiasts being some of the last people to judge one’s interests, no matter how strange they are. It’s a world where one can put on a persona and let go or take control without the fear of repercussions. When you choose to close those doors behind you, it’s a world meant for you and built by you.

For some of us, a collar is close to freedom.