Today is my last day of being eighteen. It’s my birthday eve. Eighteen was a big year. You’re legal, you can vote, you can gamble (at least in some states), you can legally get a tattoo (though I’m terrified of needles), you are no longer forced by law to wear a helmet when you ride a bike and you don’t legally have a curfew anymore — of course, that didn’t stop my own mother from her own spirit-breaking curfew rules but, that’s beside the point. It is the year when you graduate high school and it is the year when you can finally feel a sense of liberty.

I didn’t quite utilize my capability to do all of the things on that list. In fact, the thing I actually most looked forward to this year was simply being able to find my first love so that I could one day play the musical masterpiece that is One Direction’s “18” on my wedding day. Unfortunately, that dream was not fulfilled this year, so, woefully, I will have to find another perfectly sappy song for me and my future husband to dance to.

Nineteen is one of those weird in-between stages. While eighteen is the year of possibilities, nineteen seems to be the year when you remember ‘oh yeah, I’m just getting older.’ Nothing too special. Not quite in your twenties — an adult but still a teenager.

To make this seemingly uneventful age even more fun, this will also go down in history as my very first quarantined birthday.

It’s kind of crazy when you think about it. I mean, while I am already a confused college student filled with uncertainty, I am now at a metaphorical age of uncertainty. And on top of that, I now live in a country that’s literally in a state of uncertainty as well. This is a triple whammy! Quite the lucky three if you ask me.

In all seriousness, I don’t believe in luck but I know that right now the odds are stacked against me for certainty in this world. And although I won’t even have the dependability of playing One Direction’s “18” on my wedding day, I’m glad I do have something that is keeping me sane through all this. Something in my heart that will never change.

So today, on the day before my nineteenth birthday, I’m feeling reflective and thankful. I am excited for a year that seems so stacked against me that I’m excited to see how God is going to have this all play out.

Of course, there are still thirteen hours left in the day. That’s plenty of time to have a last-minute meet-cute and fall in love, right? Please?