There are 365 days in the year. Three hundred and sixty-five. that’s about 1,135 days less than the 1,500 “National” days of the year as stated by the National Day Calendar.

It is ridiculous at this point that just anything and everything can be dubbed as overly important and given a national day. I’m angry and upset that the annual calendar is no longer sacred because it has been torn apart and consumed by the masses to tread upon multiple times a day in some cases.

Okay, I’ll give. Not every national day is so terrible. There are some days that deserve the recognition, such as MLK Jr. day, to celebrate a human who went out and made a difference, or Veterans Day to honor our troops who are incessantly sent to war by people who couldn’t give less of a shit than a few words at a podium. These are worth the title of a national day.

But there are days that just twist my chanclas in all the wrong ways, and that is not okay.

I’m going to take you on a tour and point out to you the flecks of shit that grace this porcelain throne. Today we’re going over the worst days in each month on the national calendar

January 16: National Nothing day

What is this even supposed to mean? according to the National Day Calendar, it is a day reserved for the purpose of celebrating, you guessed it, nothing! How charming of it to land on the same day as four other national days.

February 13: National break up with your carrier day

What the flying monkeys is T-Mobile doing on the national calendar trying to be a phone wrecker? This day bears the pink cross of T-Mobile in all it’s fluorescent glory, right up there with National Cheddar day and Tortellini day, capitalizing on the seasonal heartbreaks of Valentine’s day.

March 6: National frozen food day

If you have a choice, why would you eat this crap? Frozen food is the one true struggle meal, and should hardly be used as a stepping stone while you’re building up to a career. If you can afford an iPhone 11 pro, but still find yourself scouring the bottom of the freezer for dinner, you’re doing something wrong. Don’t celebrate frozen food. Make good food. Watch Gordon Ramsay or Binging with Babish on Youtube, and scrape together your last shreds of dignity, you idiot sandwich.

April 4: National Walk Around Things Day

Somebody didn’t get the memo about April fools being on April 1st, right? Nope. This is real, and the context makes just about as much cents as a gumball machine in a dentist’s office. Walk around something. Walk around the puddles of tears during midterms. Walk around the people who follow this day. Walk widely around them.

May 16: National Sea Monkey Day

Ok boomer, sea monkeys were a cheap tactic tricking kids to pay for another responsibility. Besides, sea monkeys are the most boring pet you might ever find. At least you could throw a pet rock through a window when it gets big enough.

June 3: National Repeat Day

Just repeat something, I don’t know, that’s literally all the website said. repeat the crying session you had before reading this article or repeat the horrific memories that come back to you about that one embarrassing thing that happened to you that one time. Yeah, that one!

June 3: National Repeat Day

Just repeat something, I don’t know, that’s literally all the website said. repeat the crying session you had before reading this article or repeat the horrific memories that come back to you about that one embarrassing thing that happened to you that one time. Yeah, that one!

July 21: National Junk Food Day

Please don’t celebrate this day. I care about you and I think the Cheetos hate you. Junk food is great and all, don’t get me wrong, I keep a spare bag of Flamin’ hot Funyuns under the mantel in case of an emergency sandwich. But there is no reason you should dedicate a whole day to it when by the looks of things every day is junk food day. but all power to you and your pizza Pringles.

August 10: National Lazy Day

Yeah. This is a good one.

September 13: National Blame Someone Else Day

Don’t do this… take responsibility for your actions for once I guess? Odds are if you observe this excuse of a national day, you probably already make it a habit of blaming others. It really isn’t healthy, even if your cousin Alex really did tell you to steal grandma’s canary.

October 14: Columbus Day

Dare I say more? Need I say more? Christopher Columbus, cursed be his name, is by far the grand ass chief of scumbaggery on the entire continent. Without a doubt, Christopher Columbus has had the most confusing history in the United States. First of all, he set foot NOWHERE near the modern U.S. of A. Second of all, he brought disease, genocide, rape, and misery to the Taino people of the Bahamas before wiping them out completely. No colonizer should be celebrated in the land of the free, least of all, Christopher who damned the Garden of Eden, Columbus.

November 28: National Turkey Free Thanksgiving Day

Just because you aren’t going to eat the poor thing doesn’t mean you should exclude it! To all you vegans, go out and buy a turkey fresh from the farm, give it a nice lil collar with its name, (I suggest Hambone or Rambo) and give it a bowl of corn or whatever to munch on while you eat your gluten-free mashed potatoes and tofurkey or Impossibird*.

*It’ll come out eventually I promise.

December 16: National Chocolate Covered Anything Day

Trust the word of someone who has ventured down this dark and isolated road. Not everything deserves to be graced by sweet liquid chocolate that will dry into a crisp shell. First, it starts off with the obvious choices, but the more you experiment, the faster you’ll be sitting spread-eagled in the nearest public stall putting out as much chocolate as you put in. Please apologize to the Golden Corral when you’re done.