Here in sunny Los Angeles, the Safer At Home guidelines have done their share of damage to our brains. Either that, or for those of us with a few less marbles rolling around it, it makes no difference. Some will just go ahead and drag their knuckles to the nearest beach and lick the doorknobs.

Some are lucky enough to cry in their 10,000 square foot homes, taking out their sorrows in their home gym or keeping busy in their studies and libraries. But many people aren’t so snobbish. Many people live in shoe boxes, and sleep in sardine cans behind the tube lights of a 50s era radio. There’s nothing wrong with that, of course, but where there’s a lack of physical space there’s more space for you to spazz out and make a big ol’ mess of yourself. That goes double if you live with ANYBODY, friend or foe. Eventually, you’ll begin to wonder what they would feel like squirming between your clenched fists.

I’m sure none of you want to plummet a family member or roommate, so here are 10 useful tricks I’ve come up with to keep myself in tip top mental condition during the stay at home order…(or at least barely sane)

10: Paint

Our country’s response to the pandemic doesn’t have to be the only real work of art during this joke of a year. There are plenty of scientific studies out there that say that creating art helps with mental functions such as memory, and that it can even help with stress! A good example is this one from Harvard Medical School which states that creating visual art can reduce stress and promote relaxation in people who are hospitalized or homebound due to illness.

It doesn’t matter if you’re good or not, art is not about being perfect. In fact, anybody who tells you any different has their own childhood trauma to worry about. Most of my list is forms of art, and you best believe I’m not an artist. Get messy, mimic life, mimic your favorite artist. A personal favorite of mine is David Choe, who is posting very entertaining (Not always SFW) tutorials of his art on his Instagram, like this simple watercolor Batman which was sold for $38,000 in a charity auction. Just make art foo.

9: Poetry

Poetry is probably the only good thing to come out of humans learning to make symbols for their weird sounds. I know, i’m a journalist and I read more than the recommended daily intake, but there’s something about poetry that is both the perfect mix of playtime and sophistication. I sat down with no intention of writing any poetry tonight, but here, I’ll belt out a quick one for you:

Roses are red, violets are violet, no sleeping at work, you’re an airline pilot

It’s really as simple as that. And while you’re at it, go ahead and paint a picture of whatever your poem is about.

8: Learn a new language

You’re probably too lazy for this one. Half of the time, so am I , so I just use Duolingo about one time every two weeks. Je m’apelle Abraham. Je suis un Journalist, et je n’aime pas travailler. That’s the extent of my French from the app, but if I’m honest, I used Google translate to help me with the last part.
No high expectations here, no sweat.

My advice would be to learn a language based on the Latin alphabet or probably something close to your mother tongue unless you’re some sort of prodigy and want to show off your ability to read something that looks like Pokemon writing. Good apps to start learning would be Duolingo or Babble.

Prova a leggere questo stronzo, e non usare Google.

7: Learn how to read

If you’ve gotten this far, ignore this one. You’ve done pretty well for yourself. Did you know about 14 percent of the adult population in the U.S. is illiterate? That’s about 32 million adults. If you are not one of the 32 million adults, you can read about it here.

6: Practice fashion

Maybe one day they’ll let us out again. They’ll let us shoot up microbots in our brains and let us go to Ulta or something, and we can all be happy again and kiss and hug and shit. On that day, you’ve got to make sure you’re looking fresh as you can be, so go ahead and dust off your wardrobe so that you can practice dressing up, get out of those sweatpants and change your underwear, I can smell you, stinky. Check out Jordan Hom’s list here. I especially like number four and use it every day.

5: Shower

Okay, hear me out. You definitely shouldn’t be going out to a club or high class gathering right now, but hot water feels good. There are plenty of better things to do, but it feels good to get under that shower head. I like to pretend I’m a little frog under a waterfall with no deadlines, no expectations, in a place where society is an illusion and I might go catch a fly for later. It might have been a while since last time, but if you have any questions, check out this handy dandy guide.

4: Make lists

This is probably the most productive I’ve been in about a month. So what if it’s coming up on 2 in the morning, and I now need melatonin because of the sleep schedule I’m trying to fix? I see now why puff publications like Buzzfeed pump their site full of crap like this — it’s successful because a lot of pea brains like me can’t help but clicking on that stuff. Maybe one day journalism might be real again.

3: Learn how to give tattoos

This one might be at the top of regrettable things to do during quarantine, but it’s surprisingly easy to do something so permanent. One hundred sterilized hand-poke tattoo needles will run you less than $20 on Amazon and you can buy non-toxic India Ink from any art supply stores near you for less than $10. You probably already have rubbing alcohol, razors, Vaseline and napkins lying around somewhere, so you can go to town! If worse comes to worse, get a professional to cover up your crappy attempt at tattooing a rose and give me your extra needles, Art doesn’t have to be perfect. (I am not responsible for any decisions you make as a result of this list).

2: Contribute to conspiracy theories

All you really need is to be convincing, right? It’s a big world, with crazy people and crazier explanations for whatever is going on now, then, or in the future! Hop on any forum or blog and tipitty type away. You probably shouldn’t do this one, but that doesn’t stop thousands of people from filling the Internet with crap every minute.

1: Mud

Get a lil’ dirt, toss in a lil water, schlorp slap it together with your hands, and you’ll probably come up with more onomatopoeia than they tried to teach you in the fourth grade. It’s a mean fashion statement according to world renowned expert Jordan Hom, “…Why bother buying clothes that look like dirt when you can become the dirt? Using the simple concoction of water and soil, anyone can achieve the earthy look in a matter of seconds.”

Mud is our ancestor’s first attempt at earth bending, and about as close as we got to actually doing it, so might as well do it. It’s also as close to a sandcastle as you can get right now, so just go for it.

And there you have it. Some of my choice self occupations that get me through the day. Do any of these at your own discretion, because even though I’d like to see the results of your endeavors of my ideas at my email, I’d rather not hear your complaints. I have things to do like building mud-castles and tattooing my thighs. Write me a poem or something, DEUCES :*