ORILF’s (Old Rockstars I’d Like to Fuck)

I’ve never been a groupie, but I’m still sprung on Springsteen

Illustration by Adam Valenzuela/Substance Magazine

As a millennial, my love for classic rock catches many people from older generations off guard. Whenever I’m wearing my classic rock t-shirts, from Led Zeppelin to The Doors, they ask, “What do you know about that music? You’re too young!” I tell them, “What can I say? I have good taste.”

My response can also be interpreted as “The heart wants what it wants,” and I want plenty. When I was younger, in my formative years, I soaked in these bands and their sounds and musical ability like a sponge, but never saw them as anything more than rock icons. Now that I’m close to turning 28, my adoration has changed to stimulation.

Some of these leading men were beautiful visions in their youth. Some have kept up their hot factor, some have aged, not so gracefully, and others have passed on. I’m not just into their erotic looks, long wild locks, and lean physiques. It’s also their genius lyrics, rock ’n’ roll roots, iconic guitar playing, and coloring outside the lines of fashion that was and still is a huge turn on for me. I’ve never wanted to be a groupie but as my tastes become more refined, I can look back and relate to a groupie’s quest to sleep with rock and roll legends. Far beyond just a lust for musicians’ looks or fame, if I had even attempted to “make it” with theses rockers, it would have been about the music, much like Penny from “Almost Famous.” Even now, I lust for what once was, and in some cases, what still is, (Like Springsteen). And these times they are a-changin.’ *No, Bob Dylan, as much as I love him, is not on this list.

Mick Jagger

Pouty lips, blue-green eyes, long shaggy chestnut hair, and a British accent. Mick Jagger was as soulful as he was sexy. The way he used the entire stage with his unique dance moves was unlike many of the other “British invasion” bands of the early to mid 60s. His moves paved the way for them to detach from that pop-rock categorization. His mates Keith Richards, Brian Jones (deceased), Ronnie Wood, and Charlie Watts all had a hand in keeping respect for the original pioneers of blues. People may not know that The Stones took inspiration from blues greats like Chuck Berry, Muddy Waters, Howlin’ Wolf, doing their own spins on the originals. Through it all, Jagger maintained his own persona, from his feet to his voice. To make me want him even more, Jagger was once married to and had a child with model Bianca Jagger, who is from Nicaragua like me. *swoon.*

Jagger would say what was on his mind, from leave me the fuck alone,“Get off of My Cloud,” to fuck you for breaking my heart, “Out of Time.” He also knew when to show respect to a woman’s beauty, comparing her to nature “She’s a Rainbow,” but he also was willing to admit that he was aching for a certain female back in his life, like in the song “Miss You.” He gave props to a hot woman in “Start Me Up” — “You make a dead man cum.” And he got straight to the point when it came to getting down and dirty as he said in “Beast of Burden,” “All I want is for you to make love to me.” Same, young Mick, same.

Robert Plant

My curly haired kindred spirit morphed into the lead singer of one of the most legendary rock ‘n’ roll bands in history. He fit perfectly in his very tight pants, bulge showing, which made me want to “squeeze his lemon till the juice runs down his leg.” Did I mention his golden locks were always on point? So what does it take to be the lead singer of one of the most influential bands in rock ‘n’ roll history?

Plant nailed the desperate, longing moaning mirrored by Jimmy Page’s chords on “Dazed and Confused,” to the sexual howling on “Whole Lotta Love.” But Plant could turn it around and make me cry while crushing romanticism on “That’s the Way” to the heartbreaking honesty of “Tangerine,” and the protagonist taking optimistic “chances on a big jet plane” on “Going to California.”

I was first exposed to Zeppelin at 12 by way of their rough “Black Dog” and “Custard Pie.” Even then, I was thinking, “Should I be listening to this?” It was lustful, it was risqué, and it was something I had never felt before: an urge to listen to more. The way Plant displayed his sex appeal on stage and his willingness to expose his sexuality…let’s be real. Page and Plant made you wanna bone them to every song. Plant improvised onstage, both with his vocals and his body. My hope and fantasy is that he’d improvise as much in bed. Toward the end of the intoxicating trip that is “Whole Lotta Love,” Robert Plant seems to know the remedy for the arousal he and the boys made you feel.“Way down inside, woman, you need love…”

David Bowie

What could be more alluring than someone who can take you so high — as high as outer space without inhaling a substance? This is what I felt when I first heard David Bowie’s “Let’s Dance.” As a pre-teen, he was telling me to rebel against conformity by inviting me to put on my red shoes and “dance the blues.” When I listen t0 his music now, he invites me to be naughty, put on the color of the devil, and participate in a night of debauchery.

Bowie is known as the Starman for a reason. His otherworldliness is intriguing and out of the norm and is a welcomed fantasy, far away from all the fuckboys and guys who appear to have been mindlessly created on an assembly line. Bowie has collaborated with some of the biggest music acts, from Queen, Iggy Pop, and Nile Rodgers, to Tina Turner, Mick Jagger, and Stevie Ray Vaughn. His fashion and persona only add to his fuckable factor. He was androgynous, so you could either trade make-up tips with him or enjoy the wild side of fucking a guy who blurred those lines. But for me, it was his voice, his lean physique, and his haunting lyrics, and his different colored eyes. According to New York Magazine, this condition is called Anisocoria. In Bowie’s case, it was caused by him allegedly getting into a fist fight with his best friend over a girl when he was 15. What I would have given to have been that girl…

Bruce Springsteen

I think the boss is pretty boss. He posed for his album “Born in the USA,” what is arguably the sexiest album cover in rock star history. Who doesn’t love a man who isn’t afraid to show off some booty? He has a scruffy beard and a voice that sounds like he’s about to get some work done, which makes sense since the Jersey man’s music was relatable and representative of the working class. Who doesn’t like a gritty man singing about struggle and protest? Must be good with his hands, I think, and then my mind just wanders…

Bruce either makes you wish you were Courtney Cox dancing on stage being the envy of every woman in the “Dancing in the Dark” video, or he makes you want to run away with him, change your name to Wendy, and escape with The Boss as he sings innuendo to you on “Born to Run.”

“Wendy, let me in, I wanna be your friend, I wanna guard your dreams and visions. Just wrap your legs ‘round these velvet rims and strap your hands across my engines”

I first fell in love with Bruce when I heard him sing the words that summed up my experience at 13.

“Message just keep getting clearer, radio’s on and I’m moving round my place. I check my look in the mirror wanna change my clothes my hair my face. Man, I ain’t getting nowhere. I’m just livin’ in a dump like this. There’s something happening somewhere. Baby, I just know that there is.”

He was describing my angst, listening to music, sick of my looks, and feeling sad and stuck. When a sexy man puts what you’re feeling into words, he’s it.

And then at 17, I heard “I’m on Fire.” His voice had the softest most seductive tone of any of his songs I’d heard.

“Tell me now baby is he good to you? And can he do to you the things that I do? Oh no, I can take you higher.”

I had never done drugs at the time I first heard them, but Bruce’s tempting lyrics to be unfaithful with him made me high and elated, even if I didn’t have a boyfriend at the time.

Now at 67, Bruce is unlike other rockers. He’s aged well and still looks as hot as ever. He’s in great shape and his voice sounds close to what he did in his early years. Maybe Bruce and I could lay in bed after a romp and talk about music or even politics and the injustices of our society.

In a recent interview, Springsteen made me fall even more in love with him. Still very in-tune with the working class man, Springsteen said Trump’s answers “sound pretty good if you’ve been struggling for the last 20 to 30 years,” adding that not everyone who supports him is racist. He called “Trump a flagrant, toxic narcissist” who has no sense of decency and no sense of responsibility about him. An outspoken man with an intelligent opinion is what I want and Springsteen is that man.

Jim Morrison

The Lizard King. Mister Mojo Risin. However you knew him, you knew him by his pants, his poetry, and his voice. He oozed sexuality through every song, no matter the subject matter. “Break on Through” makes you want it to be the background track during one night with The Lizard King. And I’d like to think the “She get high” in the song applied to any girl longing for Morrison. Could a sexual longing get any more blunt than “Light My Fire” and “Touch Me?” When I hear those songs now as opposed to being a teen, I say “Yes, Jim, anytime!”

Being from Los Angeles, “L.A. Woman” spoke to me, referencing the lusty vibe of Hollywood as well as being lost in a big city. I was the “lost angel” in the city and Jim was committed to giving me some true real loving when he sang “If they say I never loved you, you know they are a liar.”

When I started making the transition from innocence to having actual sexual desire, I vividly remember listening to “Roadhouse Blues” and wishing to be one of the girls going “down slow” in those bungalows on Jim. His death at 27, though early, went down in history as he became part of the 27 club, alongside Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, and later, Kurt Cobain. This might make me sound even more superficial than I already do, but when he joined the young deceased rockers, it made him immortal. Then at 19, The Doors turned into something else for me. “The End” became the soundtrack that I played over and over when my young cousin, who introduced me to the band, died of cancer. Sigh, Jim. I will always respect and love a man who can put my feelings into words.

Joe Strummer

Joe Strummer might not be every girl’s first choice of the rockers they’d want to lay, but he’s one of my favorites. I think he is subtly handsome. When he opens his mouth to sing in his gritty, off key voice, I pay attention and appreciate a man who takes charge. Strummer’s eclectic musical appreciation and intellect showed through his music. The Clash played various sub genres within their punk sound: reggae, disco, rockabilly. And while Joe shared front-man time with Mick Jones, Strummer was the one for me. His rebellious spirit and distaste for Vietnamese children being abandoned by American fathers during the Vietnam War was evident on “Straight to Hell,” later sampled by British rapper M.I.A. on the popular “Paper Planes.” He could sing a politically charged song like “London Calling” or a rebellious song like “Revolution Rock,” or even a romantic jam like “Lover’s Rock,” and know how to hit the right spot with a girl.

You must treat your lover girl right
If you wanna make lover’s rock
You must know a place you can kiss
To make lover’s rock

What won me over and mentally penetrated me was when I heard “Spanish Bombs,” a song about how tourism flooded Spain after Franco’s dictatorship while forgetting about Federico Garcia Lorca’s death because he dissented. This song keeps Lorca’s memory alive. A British punk rock band to reference my favorite my Spanish poet makes me melt.

David Gilmour

And did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?

No, “they” didn’t get me to, David, but you sure as hell did. David Gilmour of Pink Floyd is a hot guitarist and lyricist, who fits on my list because he’s so beautiful that he could have made it as a fashion model. His piercing eyes and brows that frame them makes him look as he’s always deep in thought. Who doesn’t love a sexy intellect? To write and sing lyrics like Gilmour takes next level thinking. Pink Floyd has served as the soundtrack to many of my friends’ stoned sessions, but for me, their songs could set the tone for a nice, long bone session. My personal favorite record from the band is “Shine on You Crazy Diamond.” The iconic Roger Waters and Gilmour sent what I interpreted to be a motivational message in a harmony:

“Shine on, you crazy diamond.”

Damn. What girl doesn’t want to be cheered on by soft harmonization and intricate guitar playing? I know the song was originally dedicated to their deceased band member Syd Barrett, but before I knew this, I interpreted this line as I wanted to — for myself. Isn’t that the beauty of music? Enjoy this official Pink Floyd video of “Green is the Colour” that would be my song of choice if I could ever turn back time and have an encounter with Gilmour.

George Harrison

The quiet Beatle is my favorite Beatle. Harrison was the most low key of the group and from elementary school age, my innocent elementary school mind figured that maybe he wasn’t as girl crazy as the rest. He always seemed like he didn’t have to be in the spotlight, but still played effortlessly. I am attracted to dudes who don’t try hard and Harrison is one of them.

When I first heard “Here Comes The Sun,” I wondered why I hadn’t heard this before. It was the perfect song for me to listen to when I was in a lonely, cold, and sad place mentally. It’s like he was telling me to “cheer up…” by telling me the ice was slowly melting. His metaphors were spot on. When I heard Beatles’ songs that Harrison lead as a vocalist, I identified with him, like “I Me Mine,” which according to Ultimate Classic Rock, was about the Beatles’ egos. I was like, “Yes, George! We are selfish!” and rocked out through the key transition. When I first heard “While My Guitar Gently Weeps,” it felt so real. He was calling people out on being mindless followers and mourning them. The piano intro gave me goosebumps. How many of us haven’t had the best tingles down our spines while listening to a sexy man’s voice in our ears? I identified with this line as I was bullied in middle school and could relate. Thank you George for allowing me to escape.

“I don’t know why nobody told you
How to unfold your love.”

And then I heard The Beatles’ “Something.” I was too young to put myself in in the adult woman’s shoes that Harrison was singing about, but in my young brain, George became my knight in shining armor that day. He still is.

David Lee Roth

Diamond Dave. I imagine he had a diamond D. If he wasn’t making me feel like a “Pretty Woman,” he had me wanting to run alongside him and the devil. Roth was one of the finest and fittest rockers ever. He had a give-no-fucks, I’m wearing this spandex, I’m screaming this song kind of attitude. I tried to listen to the lyrics of “Panama” without thinking dirty, but no luck:

“Yeah, we’re runnin’ a little bit hot tonight.
I can barely see the road from the heat comin’ off of it
Ah, you reach down, between my legs
Ease the seat back.”

If you listen to those words and your mind doesn’t think of something that revs your reproductive engine, listen to it again. Roth was so raw, real, and ready to get you moving at any moment. These are all things that should be present in the sack and Dave looks like he’d execute every one. Roth’s loud sexuality contrasts to the pouty, power ballad romantic hair bands of the day. This is what made him stand out. Though I love the silent types like Harrison, sometimes we just want a wild man in the bedroom who “Ain’t Talkin’ ‘Bout Love.” I was born in ’88, but even now I can watch Diamond Dave and appreciate those gyrations that lead my eyes to that diamond D.