I was spending the summer at my aunt’s place over in Victorville for a few months. As a kid, going over to her place and spending time with my cousins was always a blast. We’d stay up late watching movies, eating tons of food that tasted so good but was so bad for our health, and get into all sorts of crazy shenanigans. One such incident would most definitely be classified under the “shenanigans” category.

One evening, my older cousin let us know that she and her college friends were coming over to celebrate her birthday a few days early. They’d be out in her trailer in the backyard of my aunt’s house (her current room at the time) and asked not to be disturbed. Of course, being the loyal and polite person that I am, I respected her wishes and assured her no one would disturb their little trailer party. So of course, I had to be the one who starts knocking on her trailer door hours later purely out of boredom.

That’s when she opened the door asking what I wanted and I saw Him.

He was sitting on her dusty, blue couch nursing some dark brown liquid, while dancing to music coming out of an old speaker sitting on a nearby counter. He had ripped blue jeans, messy chestnut brown hair, and a beard that begged to be touched. The man’s body movements were horribly sloppy, but he was dancing as if no one was watching.

I’d never seen anyone more beautiful in my life.

I decided that if I was going to get this guy’s attention, I’d have to put my meekness aside for one night and be bold. I asked my cousin to let me join her and her friend’s little shindig and in return, I’d promise to keep quiet about her trailer party and not mention this to my aunt. What can I say? Sometimes you’ve gotta bend a couple straws to get a reaction. Or however that old saying goes.

She eventually caved and offered me a drink to catch up with the rest of the party goers. I chugged down so much spiced rum that night that to this day, the smell of it makes me gag and heave like a sailor.

Eventually, I had enough liquid courage to approach this handsome man.
I caught him as he was sitting back on that broken down couch and went up to talk to him. Cue the ridiculously long list of compliments that spewed out of my mouth about his appearance. Now keep in mind, I had never come out to anyone about my sexuality before.

As far as I knew, everyone thought I was straight (including me). But with enough courage slushing in my gut to back up my actions, none of that mattered. I knew what I wanted and I was determined to get it. Even if this man was significantly older than me.

Somehow, I eventually wore him down and next thing I knew we were making out on that wondrous couch of magic. Everything felt so great and I felt so alive for the first time in years. There was nothing that could ruin this perfect feeling of victory and emotional satisfaction… Until I hear my cousin cheering my gusto, which brings me crashing back to reality with the sobering fear that my secret was exposed.

Everyone saw me making out with another man. No more hiding in the dark.

The next morning left me feeling embarrassed and overly exposed. Never had I contemplated living under a rock for the rest of my days than I did in that instant. For the next few days, my cousins kept joking about me kissing another guy and making little quips about my sexuality. That, in turn, made me doubly nervous about my sexuality being talked about so often for the next few days. Especially because I was still figuring it out for myself. Because my cousins would always laugh about the situation, I felt like they were laughing about me liking another man. Which eventually led to me withdrawing and wanting to be alone until I figured myself out and who I am.

A week later and I confided in my older cousin that I might be gay, and she was very supportive. Which in turn led to me coming out to all of my friends on Myspace (which was bigger than Facebook at the time) in one giant post. I’ve never been one for subtlety or repetition, so I figured coming out via the internet to the people I know would keep others from asking questions and just accept who I am.

A year later, I eventually came out to my parents. And though they didn’t accept or understand my sexuality at the time, my brother and sister supported me and assured me that it wouldn’t change their perception of me. I was finally free to be myself and embrace who I am as an individual and live my life as authentically as possible.

I had always known I felt a certain way towards men, but I was never really sure until I went to that party. Admittedly, I could have handled things a little more gracefully that night (maybe not breaking a bookcase with my body or vomiting all over the carpet for starters), but I don’t regret a single moment of the experience. Without being exposed in a public setting like that, I probably wouldn’t have come out for a very long time. The feeling of self-acceptance I gained in my youth more than makes up for the ruined furniture I wreaked havoc on. Sorry, for the mess Diana! And thank you for everything.